If you want something you don’t already have, your relationship with yourself and your understanding of your mind are the best tools available for getting it.
I believe that our relationship with ourselves is our relationship to our potential, our leadership capacity, and to what’s possible. It is the thing that determines how we show up in our lives, which in turn determines the success of all of our relationships, and whether or not we achieve all we want.
Doing this work has incredible and unexpected byproducts.
Rather than turning us into self-centered navel-gazers, it opens us up.
Rather than adding work to our schedules, it gives us the power to spend time where it is truly most important to us. And it gives us space as a result.
And sometimes, it has byproducts that feel like we become truly different people.
Before doing this work myself, I had heard the idea that finding fault in others was really just a sign that we found fault in ourselves. Anytime we judged another person harshly, it was representative of our own harsh self-critiquing.
And it’s not that I dismissed this idea. I actually believed it. But I didn’t fully understand it because I was so in my own experience — a fish who believed that the world was made of water.
When I began this work, I started to cultivate a relationship with myself in which I was someone I love. It started with awareness, actually paying attention to the mental script I’d rehearsed.
I refused to judge myself and refused to beat myself up when I did judge myself. I refused to treat myself poorly. I choose to focus on everything within my control and take 100% responsibility for it.
And as I continue to level-up my relationship to me, each level has a corresponding change in my judgment of others.
This byproduct continues to surprise me at every level.
I hadn’t realized that I was living with a lens of judgment. Because I had just had it on all of the time. I thought it was reality. My thoughts and opinions about other people and what should be, and the pain that those thoughts caused me, in my mind were the way of the world. And the really meta thing? I didn’t realize that my harsh judgment of people who didn’t feel bad about themselves when they made a mistake was also my own frustration at me for judging my own behavior.
But as I continue to cultivate this internal relationship, all of my external relationships benefit.
It’s not that I become more patient with other people as I become more patient with myself, it’s that I realize that there’s nothing to be patient about.
It’s not that I forgive others as I learn to forgive myself, it’s that I see that there’s nothing to forgive.
It’s that the more I expect to fail, and see failing as ultimately part of a hero’s journey, the less I judge other people’s mistakes as flaws.
So what’s the point? The point is that this feels so much better. Indescribably better. Not only do I have a relationship with myself that has changed completely — where I’m able to do things, see the world, and engage in my life in a way that feels completely different than it did just a handful of years ago — not only that.
But also, as I walk down the street I realize that I see what I want to see, what I really believe — a whole bunch of people with infinite potential trying their best. And my only job is to be my best. Because I want to.
And the space that has opened, the amount of time I have back from dropping the time I spent trying to know what everyone else should do and control them, has given me so more than just space and time.
It’s given me a totally new experience of life.
If you’re curious about what understanding your mind might do for your experience of life, book a consultation with me. It’s absolutely free, there’s no obligation, and you’ll get to experience coaching firsthand to determine if it’s for you. Because what if it is?